Welcome to my next blog on this blissfully sunny day in Sussex. It is amazing! Piercing sun, blue sky, birds tweeting (that’s real birds, not ones on twitter…lol) and spring is in the air.
As these blogs aim to support the emotional/psychological experiences of women, from conception, pregnancy, birth and beyond, today I thought I would write about the often ambivalent feelings that one can experience when we conceive. This will be different for every woman so I’m in no way generalising. I thought I would give you my own story of when I conceived with my first child and the mixed emotions that went on, even though I was overjoyed. All emotions need to be validated, without guilt, as they always uncover the truth that lies beneath. Once we know how we ‘really’ feel, then we can heal that and move on. If we suppress those feelings and undermine them as being foolish or unimportant, then they will continue to tap on the door until we acknowledge them face to face.
I lived in Bali, Indonesia (as you know from previous blogs) when I conceived Jude with my Balinese husband. I wanted a child ‘at some point’ but one night, very early on in our relationship, and no precaution I knew I had conceived. My immediate response was a mild panic. I thought I wasn’t ‘mature’ enough (even though I was 31 years old), a new marriage, timing, career and all sorts of fears rushed to the fore. I felt like I would somehow let my child down because I didn’t think I was responsible enough. It was like at that moment my life changed forever, I had turned a corner, a page, I was on a new trajectory. Then I was filled with the most immense love and excitement. Oh my goddess, this was a new adventure.
Needless to say when my period didn’t arrive, I knew I’d conceived. The home pregnancy test was vaguely positive, so I had a lab test done. It came back negative!!! I knew they were wrong! I remember walking home through the beautiful rice fields and felt like I had been given a choice. I had this strong sense that the greater powers were allowing me to decide. I thought about the negative result and asked myself ‘how I felt’. The response was…huge disappointment that I was supposedly not pregnant! I realised that I did really want to be a mother and cried out of a sheer wave of joy. I knew I had work to do on myself but I felt it was worth it. I had a clear YES message that I wanted to be a mother. At that moment I promised my child I would do my best. The week later my conception was confirmed.
So this is a snippet of how one ‘could’ feel – a mix of fear and joy… Now obviously I wasn’t in the category of women who have been trying for months or years, or conceiving after having had a miscarriage, or any other variation, who would probably have a completely different set of emotions. Any which way, it is worth exploring those feelings.
Exercise:
The Secret Book – Writing for fun
(For women and men can do this too)
This is a great way to uncover your hidden thoughts and feelings by spontaneous, free writing – some people call it stream of consciousness because there are no pauses for your intellectual mind to step in and edit. It is always wonderful when you give your imagination permission to say whatever comes into your head first.
Buy a special book which you can decorate yourself if you fancy which can be used as your ‘secret writing book’. This is private for you and your thoughts.
- Begin by sitting, either at a table or on the floor, sofa, bed (wherever you feel most comfortable and inspired). Feel your body sink into the chair or wherever you are sitting. Take a few deep breaths and you may wish to make a noise on the out breath to really let out any tension. Remind yourself gently that this is your special time to be creative and all of your expression is welcome.
- You may wish to ask yourself the question: what am I feeling right now, or how do I feel about conceiving / being pregnant?
- Take a pen or pencil and start writing anything that comes into your head. Do not judge what comes out and keep going, without stopping, until you’ve written at least 2 pages or for about 5 minutes.
When you have finished, you may read through your writing and see if there are any themes that emerge. You may spot a recurring word or sentence or theme. Ponder over it and see if it speaks to you in any way. You may write these thoughts in your journal too and illustrate them or even make an image if this feel appropriate.
Have a lovely sunny week.
Warm wishes,
Alex xx
Painting by Alex Florschutz
